God calls Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates into his
office and says, "The world will end in 30 days. Go back and
tell your people." So, Boris Yeltsin goes to the Russian people
and says, "I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news
is that we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that
the world will end in 30 days." Bill Clinton goes on TV and
tells the American people, "I have good news and I have bad
news. The good news is that the basic family values upon which we
have based our lives on are right - there is a God. The bad
news is that the
world will end in 30 days." Bill Gates goes to
his executive
committee and says, "I have great news and I
have fabulous news.
The great news is that God thinks I'm
important. The fabulous news
is that we don't have to ship Windows
95!"

---------------------------------------------------
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in 
purgatory, being sized up by St.
Peter. 

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure 
where to send you. After all,
you helped society enormously by putting a computer in 
almost every home, yet you
also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do 
something I've never done
before. In your case; I'm going to let you decide whether 
you want to go to Heaven or
Hell." 

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the 
two?" 

St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, 
if it will help your decision." 

Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?" 

St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you." 

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went 
to Hell. It was a beautiful,
clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of naked 
women running around, playing
in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was 
shining; the temperature was
perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY 
want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a 
place high in the clouds, with
angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was 
nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision. 

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. 

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates 
went to Hell. 

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late 
billionaire to see how he was
doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to 
a wall, screaming amongst
hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by 
demons. 

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill. 

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and 
disappointment, "This is awful!
This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I 
can't believe this is happening!
What happened to that other place, with the beautiful 
beaches, the naked women playing
in the water?" 

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter. 

-Pierre, Canada

Top ten ways that life would be different if Microsoft built cars:

10.  New seats would require everyone to have the same size butt.

9.  We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas(tm).

8.  The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker.

7.  The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by
        a single "General Protection Car Fault" warning light.

6.  Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as
    reliable, five times as fast, but would only run on 5% of the roads.

5.  You would constantly be pressured to upgrade your car.

4.  You could only have one person in your car at a time, unless you bought
    Car '95 or Car NT; but then you'd have to buy more seats.

3.  Occasionally, your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to
    restart it.  For some strange reason, you would just accept this as
    normal.

2.  Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new
    car.

1.  People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars,
    forgetting completely (actually ignoring) that they had been
    available in other brands for years.